


Where Is My Mind?

by AvidFanfictionReader



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gang Violence, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:08:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvidFanfictionReader/pseuds/AvidFanfictionReader
Summary: Armin and Jean stand on two polar opposite sides of the battlefield, reaching forward in an attempt to clasp their fingers together. Jean's hands are marred with blood and death, dripping from his very soul and etching to the floor. Armin doesn't mind, not when he can't see it like Jean can. Not when everything is so messed and convoluted that Armin appreciates any small amount of time with Jean. Diving into the criminal underworld and screaming into the void wasn't a mistake... it was a path. Connecting two souls forever even if they don't know it.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Jean Kirstein/ Colt Grice, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small RP a friend and me have going on. Don't expect much, I'm a beginner and this is my first ever role-play. Updates will very finicky at best due to the nature of how we type back to each other. But expect updates nonetheless... hopefully?

It’s quiet; the rain patters on lightly outside. He knows it’s cold from the way the trees creak with wind and the way fog rolls in without a single regard. He doesn’t even need to step outside to know. He can see it and smell it with the way the grass shines with mildew. Jean hopes it’s a good day today. Because the weather is beautiful in its gloom, in its mystery. God he hopes today is good. Getting to school isn’t much of a hassle, about a 10 minute walk from his apartment. With no one to say bye to, he’s quick to slip out the door and be on his way. It gives him time to think. The boss had told his inner circle that the gang would be riding out soon. To fuck with the rival gang. It wasn’t anything too severe to be honest. They were just gonna throw some molotovs through their windows and light their building ablaze. If they were smart, there’d be no casualties on either side. It was bad to drag in the police when they didn’t belong anywhere near them. Being part of MP’s Birage had perks. One of them being the fact that Jean got paid for his dues, and paid good. It helped with the apartment and everyday things he needed. Otherwise, he’d be shit out of luck and living in a hell hole. Who knew if he’d be able to even make the trek to school or afford the necessary things for such. It doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s alive and he has a decent home. School appears in his vision dauntingly, he really doesn’t want to go today. He has his AP classes this block day, 2nd, 4th, and 6th period always dragged on with its teeth bared. Jean just hoped he would have luck and it’d go by quicker. When reaching the school, Colt is waiting for him by the entrance. They exchange hellos. 

“Mornin man. Ready for AP Lit? Pretty sure the annotations for Invisible Man are due today. God, I think I’m only missing a few annotations.” Colt is babbling whilst Jean is panicking.

He’d had only done a third of the annotations for the book and would prefer to not get a failing grade. Despite not being motivated to do school, Jean always made sure he passed his assignments. 

“You’re shittin me, Colt. Those annotations can’t be due today! I only did a third of the required! Bro I’m so fucked. I’ll just pray you're mistaken. And if you’re not, I’m totally killing you.” Jean huffs and pulls Colt inside the school. He’s fucking freezing balls outside. “Bro let’s just go for now, we got what? Science with Prof Hange yeah?” Colt nods in affirmation and they head on over. Connie and Sasha are waiting for them.

-0-0-0-0-

Armin's morning started off with a warm cup of coffee and a poor excuse for a breakfast. He was exhausted most of the time due to his grandfather's severe downhill spiral. armin poked his head into his grandfather's room, bringing a tray of bright assorted foods, hugely contrasting the food he had eaten for himself. The melancholy atmosphere of the room his armin drastically as he entered, the walls painted a somber grey, not a single hint of color highlighted the room. Armin gently pulled the blinds open, his voice softly humming as the man chained to multiple different machines. his eyes gently fluttered open as the blinds opened, a small smile rested on his face at the sight of his beloved grandson. deep down, it was heartbreaking for armin to see this smile, for everyday the smile grew weaker and less...alive. Armin placed a neat cup of pills along with a small glass of orange juice on a small table next to the man's bed, he gently placed the tray of food along with it. The beeps and buzzes of the machines acted as a subconscious clock,the rhythms slowed and slowed day by day...constantly reminding Armin that the man that rested upon him was rubbing out of time. the beeps and buzzes gnawed at him until he turned to leave, placing a gentle kiss on the man's forehead before softly closing the door. Once Armin had arrived at school, his eyes glued to the large sign that read Attack S. Titans High school. His eyes examined the blue and green colors of the sign, disguising his thought for deep admiration of the sign. As soon as armin made his way inside of the building, he met up with an exhausted looking Eren Yeager. Why did he look so tired, it’s not like he was up studying. armin pondered, it wasn’t that Eren was a bad student, he just didn’t strive to his full potential academically. In a way, this irritated Armin to an extent, but his uneasiness quickly faded once he remembered why Eren didn’t have the time to study. ~~~

Mikasa looked the same as always, she wore a black jacket with a maroon colored scarf. Unlike Eren, Mikasa excelled academically without efforts. It was as if every lesson had already been taught to her a thousand times. Armin greeted them with a simple, “Hey guys!” his smile was wide, yet fake. Fake in the way that he was covering up for something. Eren's eyes glanced up from his phone, he gave Armin a smile back, “Hey Arlert.” he said in his usual tone. Eren never called anyone by their real names unless he was being extremely serious about something...more specifically, gang affiliated things. The three of them slowly began to walk through the crowded hallways, Armin kept his books wrapped in his arms as he walked, this way he didn’t have to drag them out of his backpack in the small locker the school had provided.

-0-0-0-0-

Sasha and Connie were quick to give hugs despite the protests leaving Jean’s mouth. He wasn’t too fond of hugs but he had to admit he liked getting them time to time. Still, he acted offended and wiped at his clothes when both of his friends backed off, wide grins adorning their faces and posture slack in a way that screamed unguarded. He wondered what it’d be like to go through his day and daily motions without feeling a sense of deja vu and paranoia. It’s what being in a gang did to him, making him almost constantly aware of his surroundings and unwilling to be unguarded near so many people. He had to be, in reality, a target on his back metaphorically etched with blood and vulgarity, there were probably many people that hated him just by association and less because he had actually done something personal to them. It didn’t matter, not here really, no one would ever do something in front of so many people at school or at school regardless. Here, Jean could take it a little easier and breathe a bit better. 

“Soooo, those annotations...anyone else not do them?” Connie was rubbing the back of his neck as he asked, embarrassment filtering across his face in differing hues of red. 

All Jean could think was: fuck. “That shit is actually due today?” If he could smack his teacher without consequences, he would be hustling to Mr. Ackerman’s classroom in seconds. Too bad the man looked like he knew how to fight back and would probably leave Jean a bloody pulp, even if all Jean did was lightly smack him on the arm. Thinking about getting a fight with the man sent small shivers down his spine.

“Haha no! Remember? He said they were due next week! Originally they were due today but I think he knew no one actually finished them. Well, except that girl and guy hanging with Jaeger all the time!” Sasha piped up this time around, also commenting about the look of horror that had crossed Jean’s face unbeknownst to him. He began to flush slightly pink, his ears burning.

“Shut up! I just haven’t had the time to finish it lately and I was worried. Man, can’t a guy be worried about his grades? You tellin me you’d hand in a half-assed assignment to Ackerman? You’re crazy Sasha.” Connie and Colt nodded, Ackerman wouldn’t hesitate to humiliate a student in class if they turned in an assignment they didn’t put effort in. And he ALWAYS knew if they actually did or not.

“Moving on from English, when we hanging out together? I don’t think any of us have any plans anytime soon. God knows we’re all lifeless machines dedicated to signing our lives away to scho-“ Sasha slapped a hand over Colts mouth. Taking over the noise occupying them.

“Enough with the philosophy and existential dread! I’m hungry. I say we head to a sushi bar or something! Ya know those restaurants with the boats that go around in circles?” Drool trickled out of Sasha's mouth, the guys backed away in fear of being bitten.

Connie, the bravest of them, replied cautiously. “Uhm, perhaps no? Last time we got food poisoning and had to nonstop shit for a week. I’d like to pass. Though food does sound nice, I heard there’s a new Korean BBQ nearby. Kinda shady but it’s cheap; we all have shallow wallets so what’s the harm?” Well, Jean can’t help but agree with Connie there, they may not be hurting for money but they also didn’t have much to spend either. It's nice to not have to worry about saving up just to go out.

“Cool, sounds fine to me. We could also probably catch a movie or something. Though I don’t know if there’s anything new out. Movie previews are a thing of the past,” Colt wiped an invisible tear from his eye. “I could probably search online or something though. Anyways, does this weekend sound good?”

It was fine, a little close to the gang plans he had taking up his time, but it’d do. For now, he’d just have to get past this week first. Just as he was thinking of ways for effective time management, the bell rang. Signaling the first period was arriving, god, he hates Mondays but at least his AP classes were all tomorrow. Instead, he had Mr. Zacharias for math. The man taught AP predominantly, but he decided to take on a regular class as well this year. Jean was thankful. The man was a stern but brilliant teacher. Very much active and loved to engage with his students, even if it turned into a roasting tournament. Jean, whilst walking away, waved to Colt and Connie goodbye, Sasha walking with him as they headed to class.

-0-0-0-0-

Once the bell had rang, Armin was quick to say his goodbyes to Eren and Mikasa, “Make sure he doesn’t get himself into any trouble mikasa...” Mikasa gave him an affirmative nod, Armin knew that it put Mikasa at ease to be able to walk Eren to his class, just because of Erens...situation. Eren looked up from his phone, “What the fuck man?! I’m not a baby, I can walk myself to my own class.” he whined. Armin and Mikasa gave the man no mind as he practically threw a fit in the hallway. Eren began to storm off by himself, a large pout on his face before Mikasa began to walk behind him, leaving Armin to walk by himself. He didn’t mind it, he knew Mikasa didn’t favor Eren over himself...or at least that’s what he liked to think. Armin then set off for his first class, AP chemistry with professor Hange. Armin didn’t favor the class one way or the other, but he did enjoy professor Hanges enthusiastic teachings and bubbly personality, he liked how she brought light to the class, especially so early in the morning when a wake up show is much needed. Once Armin had arrived in the classroom, he had softly set his stuff onto his desk next to Bethold and Ymir, giving them a gentle greeting. A short while into the class Armin feels his phone gently buzz in his pocket, Who could that be? Armin was never the type of student that slacked off or brought his phone out during class, but the constant buzzing of his phone situated a small pit into his stomach. Was it something about his grandfather? This question preyed into his mind, slowly jabbing at him until the pit in his stomach became unbearable, Armin discretely picked up his phone, unlocking it purposefully before he had gone to his text messages, to his surprise, they were from Eren. 

_Armin._

_I need a favor_

_I need some help with a package._

_It's nothing serious, just a delivery._

_We’ll be in and then out._

_I just need some help. ___

__The expression on Armin's face molded into confusion at Erens request. Why me..?  
Armin was quick to text back,_ _

___I mean...okay, but why not just ask mikasa? she seems like she would be able to handle it a lot better than me. ____ _

____Erens text came through a couple minutes later, seeming quite eager._ _ _ _

_____This was kind of a last minute thing, plus i didn’t want her nagging me about how dangerous it is. I know you understand how much I need the money. Just do this one thing for me. ____ _ _ _

______Armin sighed, doubt and regret lingered in his stomach before he finally responded,_ _ _ _ _ _

_______Okay ____ _ _ _ _ _

________-0-0-0-0-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Most of the students are seated by the time Sasha and Jean get to class. It’s not very loud, there’s muttering here and there but otherwise everyone is still sorta asleep. Most propped up by their elbows and hands; eyes drooping in a battle of consciousness. Mr. Zacharias had not shown up yet, leaving the class to their own devices. Taking a window seat, Sasha took the seat behind Jean. If class wasn’t about to start any moment, Jean would have closed his eyes and took a quiet nap. Before the tardy bell could ring, Jean’s phone vibrated in his back pocket. He didn’t typically get messages of any sort unless they were emergencies or plans from the group. Looking around, Jean took out his phone, positioning it below the desk. If Mr. Zacharias looked at him for longer than a few seconds, he’d see it. Jean did not stop though, swiping up on his Lock Screen. Bold letters smeared across his screen, Jean felt himself go dizzy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Nile Dawk -  
_Tomorrow instead. Prepare. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Glancing back, Sasha seemed to have read the message as well. Shadows casted amongst her eyes and she held her lips in a tight line. Jean could feel the tenseness from where he sat and shared the same regard. Zacharias banged up the door, startling Jean, phone almost slipping from his tight grasp. Horror at such an extensive display of emotion caused Jean to take stock mentally. Checking out and trying to check off the list of supplies he knows he has in his closet. He wasn’t asked to bring much, just some homemade throwable gasoline canisters and bottles of alcohol. The others must be getting the rest, he was sure, he never really bothered asking for the specific details._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Alright Kids, ready for some polynomials?” Only half the class groaned; the rest fast asleep. “Yeah, same here but let’s just get this over with, yeah? Perhaps I’ll be kind enough to throw a party for the highest scoring class on the next test.” Jean zoned out the rest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Lunch came quicker than expected, sweeping Jean’s feet from out under him. He was tired with no concrete reason why. He wondered briefly if it is because the plans got advanced out of nowhere. Or the fact he didn’t want to do it in the first place. Despite being where he is and knowing the ones he does, Jean doesn’t like violence. Much less afflicting it himself personally. He mostly does the supplying and heavy lifting, hanging in the background and not in the action. Not when blood splattered on concrete and burned into maroon. Or the screams echoed in his head with haunting vividness. Not when lifeless eyes stared into his own because he decided this life for himself. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if he saw his corpse or another’s._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sasha pulled him away from the classroom, his feet dragging and trying to catch up alarmingly. The cafeteria came into view and his head was cleared. Colt and Connie were already sitting down; it took no effort to sit with them. Jean felt consolation amongst his friends, knowing they were breathing. Hearts pumping blood to the right places instead of flowing out in the wrong ones. That they were alive. He’s had too many dreams that involved haziness as he witnessed each one of them falter and leave. Ending the same as always, with him screaming despite the fact he never remembers opening his mouth. Soundless but there nonetheless, wrenching as he reaches forward. To protect, to protect, to protect. Just as he reaches them, he awakens and gasps, hands flying to his throat and chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“-ght Jean?” Colt is facing him now, eyebrows furring as he notices Jean’s inner turmoil. Colt has always been receptive to people’s emotions, tuning into them as though they were his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Uh yeah, yeah.” His throat feels like it has something stuck in it; it’s hard to swallow. A hand makes its way on Jean’s shoulder, grounding him but not hurting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Great! I was worried that just because of the boss’ messages, you'd cancel plans with us!” Colt is addressing him right now, waiting for the ball to drop, for Jean to get up and walk out as though no one were there to begin with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“...never. I’ll still go.” He wants to be there more than ever. The need to protect claws his belly and snaking its way up to his eyes, it blinds him momentarily. The force of it is so pure it burns. Jean never was good at keeping those he loved alive.  
Marco was evidence of that. Eyes squeezing shut, Jean took a deep breath, the blood rushing into his ears. When he opens them, it’s silent._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“We should probably get lunch soon Jean! Who knows when break will end.” Before he knows it, Jean is being pulled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sasha looks back at him and grins. Jean can breathe again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-0-0-0-0-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Armin's leg bounced under his desk, a hurricane of What if’s incarcerated themselves in his mind for the remainder of the class. Armin wanted to help his dear friend, but the thought of using or even laying eyes on a gun made armin sick to his stomach. At last, his pondering was finally interrupted by the voice of his classmate, “Hey Armin...you doing okay?” Berthold asked quietly, “..you look a little anxious is all.” Armin's eyes snapped up to Bertholds, he was quick to a staggered response, speaking in a low voice, making sure that professor Hange wouldn’t notice. Though some could argue that professor Hange was a little too infatuated with science to notice anything else. “Oh- me? Yeah i’m okay, just...test stuff..” he lied, giving the brunette a forced smile. Bertholds expression drew into a concerned, yet defeated look. A face that told armin, I can see through you. After Armins failed facade, the sound of the bell interrupted any form of thought going through the blondes mind. Professor Change quickly stated as the ring of the bell caused students one by one to stand up, gathering their personal items and belongings and walking towards the exit, “Don’t forget your tests are on Monday~” the woman sang enthusiastically, waving her students goodbye as they pooled into the hallways. Once Armin had made it into the hall, the sound of loud chatter and lockers slamming was zoned out by the wired headphones he placed in his ears, turning up the volume to full maximum as he held his books to his chest. All different kinds of figures past Armin on his way to the cafeteria. Once he had finally ceased his journey, his eyes didn’t even have to lift before he knew where Eren and Mikasa sat. The small, secluded table they sat at since freshman year. Armin made the journey across the cafeteria, he hated the feeling of prying eyes on him as he walked. He felt as though at least someone was staring at him, picking away at all of his flaws as he walked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Once Armin had finally reached his destination, he gently set his books under the table, completely pretending as if the text messages sent between him and Eren never happened. _Oh how he wished that was the case. _Armin rubbed his eyes, taking one headphone out, slightly wincing as the overwhelmingly loud roars of talkative students invaded his ears. Armin reached in between his books, pulling a small, blue lunchbox from in between them. Armin swiftly slid it across the table to Eren. Armin didn’t want him to go through the trouble of buying food, so Armin made Eren lunch _every. single. day. _The thoughts of helping Eren with a _“delivery” _continued to make Armins skin crawl. _i just...need to do this one thing. _he thought, Eren really needs the money. Along with fear, a wave of guilt knotted in his stomach. _If you don’t do this, you’re selfish. _he internally scolded, watching as eren dug in greedily at the food he had prepared for him. A small smile grazed Mikasa's face as she witnessed Eren getting a meal. Armin knew how much Mikasa cared for Eren...how much she loved him… _if you don’t do this you’re a horrible friend.. _Armin's leg began to bounce, much like before, except now, less discrete. His mind continued to scold him, showing no mercy to his emotions, words pounding into his skull, permanently engraving themselves into his subconscious, **If you don’t do this, you don’t care. ******______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Chapter 2

Lunch and the rest of school passes by hazily and in a dream sense. Jean can’t tell what up and down is any longer. Not when the pounding in his head hurts so bad that he’s sure hitting his against the wall over and over would hurt less. Sasha had pulled him away from the table to get lunch and afterwards Jean isn’t too sure what happened. He thinks they just ate and chatted, finishing up quickly when the bell rang signaling for the next class period. Was science after lunch or history? Jean rubbed his forehead in a mockery of comfort. English was after lunch on Monday’s. God, what book were they even reading? Jean glances to his side, staring at the backpack slumped against the wall, Jean groaned and flipped over on his bed. He didn’t even remember walking back home. [redacted] Marco’s face pops up in his head, smiling in a way that caused even his freckles to crinkle. Getting up and out of bed took no time, grabbing his backpack and picking out his homework took some. Jean can’t think straight. Though he’ll push forward and finish the fucking homework starring at him in disappointment. He’ll do it and he’ll _forget _. Vocabulary dances around his visions in jumbled messes of letters, he thinks he sees the words atrocity and indefatigable flutter toward. Blinking does nothing to appease the mess that is his brain. He needs to get over himself. He can’t be like that; not when people are counting on him tomorrow. Not when everything and anything could go wrong because of his fuckups. Abandoning the homework now howling at him from its place: screaming ridicule; Jean searches for the Tylenol he has.F__

__Hands open drawers in swift silent pleas and fingers grasp around desperately for an escape. Relief wraps around his head and intertwines down his neck. He downs two pills before getting up, throwing the bottle somewhere and laying back in bed. He’ll read later on. When everything feels a little less unreal, where it doesn’t feel like his body can seep into the ground and never come out at any moment. Jean’s eyes close in the dimming pounding, silence invading his mind a warm welcome. There is no blood rushing into his ears, though he wonders why he would be concerned about that in the first place._ _

__By the time Jean wakes back up, 6:25 is blinking in bright red letters on the small nightstand at his bedside. It’s quiet. Jean notices the papers spread all over his desk, he huffs a sound of annoyance as he gets up to tidy them. He’s a little tired but there’s no more battering in his skull. He’s able to finish homework relatively fast. Leaving the reading for the weekend, apparently it’s not due until two weeks from now if his muddled memories are right. Ackerman had previously spread the rumor that it was due today to get the students working on it, a frightful scare tactic but an effective one nonetheless. Jean was unsure if he hated the man or not. Though, by the time he’s done doing homework, it’s nearing seven o’clock. He should probably go over everything he needs for tomorrow and make sure he’s not missing anything. Also go over plans just to be safe, one can never be safe in the hands of other criminals who wouldn’t hesitate to backstab if someone offered them just a little more money. He can’t help but admit he’s a little nervous about tomorrow. This is one of the few times he’s quite literally by the action instead of away from it. Jean wonders if he should bring earmuffs just in case...in case if someone gets hurt and.... Opening the closet door resounds with an echo that slices through the silence of his apartment; he lets out a sigh afterwards._ _

__He does have everything, packs of bear and some wads of cloth aligned against the back of his wall in an orderliness that doesn’t even seem apparent in the rest of his home. He wasn’t told to bring much, just really being brought for backup more than anything else, so it wasn’t his complete job to supply the whole thing. Being sure he had everything, he decided to text everyone to make sure they had their shit too or were at least ready to go._ _

__Flopping onto his bed, Jean reaches over, groping at the surface of his nightstand in the hopes his phone is on it. He doesn’t remember where he put it prior, but it’s usually on his nightstand waiting. Finding it after actually trying to look with his eyes instead of blindly grabbing, he tries to power it on. The red battery pops up, Jean rolls his eyes and grabs whatever power cord he has around him and plugs it in._ _

__As he waits for it to turn on, he thinks more about tomorrow despite the fact he knows he shouldn’t. He thinks of all the bad things that could go wrong and the potential last memory of his friends he could possibly have. He’s not sure how tomorrow will go but he can’t help the dread pouring down his spine and uneasiness clawing in his stomach. He’s not sure about tomorrow. _But. Jean knows something is bound to go wrong. _____

____-0-0-0-0-_ _ _ _

____Once the final bell had rung, Armin was quick to grab his belongings, shoving them neatly into his backpack. he carelessly hoisted the heavy book bag over his shoulder, letting out a small sigh as he began to submerge himself in the semi crowded hallway, gripping at the straps of his backpack anxiously. Armin never favored the company of so many people. Ever since Eren had begun doing work for The Underground, Armin had always been more.. _alert _. On edge....Scared? Even at school, Armin saw everyone as potential danger to him. He absolutely hated the way the anxiety churned his stomach, causing his mouth to become dry, his ears muffle with his almost inhuman sounding heartbeat. He really wished Eren would try something, _anything _else that could get him the money he needed. These thoughts riddled his mind constantly, every day once they had the chance, guilt intertwined with the anxiety in his stomach once he had reached the same conclusion he always had. His thoughts were quickly interrupted by a firm hand on his shoulder, any form of reasonable thought swirled into a tornado of fight or flight responses. Armin's head was quick to jolt around at the figure behind him, blonde lox shining as it quickly whipped around. A warm wave of relief began to pour down to pour down his body as eren looked at him with a confused look, “The hell you lookin’ at me like _that _for?” Eren quickly remarked in a snarky tone. Armin's eyelids quickly began to lower at the sight of his trusted friend. _Eren _... “I was just...zoning out, you caught me a little off guard.” Armin quickly responded, hands that now gripped the straps even tighter slowly loosened as the two began to walk in a unified pattern. “I need a ride.” Eren said nonchalantly, “Mikasa stayed behind.” Eren had always kept his statements as blunt and straightforward as possible, he had always believed there was no point in beating around the bush._________ _ _ _

____________Armin paused, he needed to get home to his grandfather, it was well past the time to take his medication. “Okay, Eren.” he murmured in the most quiet of tones. The drive to Erens small apartment was quiet, though Armin had about a million things to ask or say. His hands firmly gripped at the steering wheel, his enchanting blue eyes shined as icy rain began to fall. The red and white lights of cars hit his features as the sun began to set. Once Armin's small white car pulled into the rundown parking lot, his hand slowly twisted the key, causing the quiet mumble of the car engine to cease. Armin glanced to the side, contemplating whether or not he should say anything. Armin spoke quietly, “Keep yourself safe, Eren.” turning towards the man, his beautiful blue eyes meeting erens vibrant teal, almost emerald green ones. A cocky look painted over Eren's face, “I can take care of myself, Armin.” he said with a laugh. A small frown curved on Armin's face. From day one, ever since they were kids, Eren hadn’t changed, _Why must you be so damn...arrogant? _Armin cared deeply for Eren, so the sight of him so blindly confident concerned him. _He just wanted him to be safe. _“Whatever you say.” Armin said with a fake smile, watching as the brunette exited his car. He waited until Eren had disappeared into the lobby of the apartment complex to start his car up again, driving silently back to his own apartment. Armin's apartment door softly clicked as it locked shut as he inhabited it, placing his backpack neatly on the hook next to the door. He quickly approached the cabinet, pulling out a few pill bottles that varied in shape and size along with a water bottle, putting them on a small tray before making his way to his grandfather's room. “Sorry for keeping you waiting, Papa.” Armin said softly whilst pushing the door open with utmost sensitivity, “I’m here now.”_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________His grandfather's eyes gently fluttered open, the same beautiful blue that shined in Armin's eyes illuminated his Grandfathers. Though his grandfather's illness impaired his speech, Armin still enjoyed talking to him. A part of him forced himself to believe that he was still in there...listening. Once Armin had finally sunk himself into his bed, thoughts of eren began to fill his head once more. Perhaps the distractions weren’t enough. Armin's eyes stared blankly at the white ceiling as, _once again _, he had reached the exact same conclusion. _Eren had no other choice. _Eren couldn’t hold a steady job, his strong will didn't allow him to do things anyone else’s way. Lucky for him, there wasn’t any other way to pull a trigger._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________-0-0-0-0-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jean’s homework sits on his desk with mocking tones, he wastes no time in turning over in bed. The wall greets him in grey smears and cracks running across it. Unable to sleep yet, due to the nature of it being extremely too early to go to bed, Jean waits patiently for his phone to come back alive. His apartment’s silence rings deafening blows to his ears and Jean closes his eyes in an attempt to reconcile himself. The blinging of his phone turning back on causes him to jolt, hand snatching it as a way to dislodge whatever sort of stupor he’s in presently. He mindlessly scrolls through Instagram, liking photos every few swipes. None of it on the screen means much to him anyways, it’s not him living the life these people present on the surface. Ribs compressing in disgusting envy makes Jean sick, he closes instagram. He’s never had too much on his phone beside a few social networking apps and messages. Not one for phone calls, the phone app lays to waste in one of his folders. Bored and no longer wanting to be by himself, he clicks on it, looking through numbers and potential temporary friends. Marco’s name shows up swiftly. Jean feels so fucking sick he’s sure he’s ready to keel over at any moment. The name shines brightly and with fervor, it burns. Jean thinks he can smell the burning of flesh and hear the echoes of screams. Before he even knows what he’s doing, he’c calling Colt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________‘Hey Jean, wassup?’ Fingers shake with the decreasing strength of holding the phone in place. He can hear Colt greet him with cheer; _it burns it burns it burns. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘...Jean?’ Concern fluttering in Colt’s question allows Jean to process what he’s doing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘What.’ Unease grips his wrists; a headache forms. He knows he shouldn't have said that, he shouldn't be an asshole, he’s the one who called in the first place. ‘...sorry..sorry.’ Jean isn't done and Colt must know this as he continues to wait for Jean to finish what he’s saying. ‘I think I’m sacred.’ The admission hangs in the air as an over looming threat but Jean isn't suffocating this time around._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘Jean..’ God stop saying his fucking name, he isnt a child. He doesn't need to be consoled like a baby throwing a temper tantrum over a lost toy. No one needs to baby him. He isnt fucking weak. ‘It’ll be okay. It’s a simple job, nothing can go wrong over it. And if something does, we’ll fix it okay? We get across the bridge when we come to it. So don’t worry. It… it won’t be like again. Never ever.’ Jean thinks he can hear the shutting of a car door and the ignition of said vehicle starting. He wants to tell Colt to stay away, that he can handle himself but he can’t. The words stick in his throat and his lips turn into a whimper. So he nods, to himself, for Colt, towards the door, he isn't sure but he nods nonetheless._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘You can’t know that.’ It’s barely a whisper but it's there to stay, standing behind and clamping hands to shoulders in a way to make him stay; to make them stay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________There isn’t a reply. It’s quiet on Colt’s end. Jean can’t find himself to be upset over it, not when he can’t see clearly anymore or when the stench of burning flesh fills his nostrils. He knows the man is speeding when a car honking resonates in the room, it’s loud but it doesn’t scare Jean._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘Slow down.’ Colt doesn't hear him, he thinks, because there still isn't a response. Jean’s head is filling to the brim with everything; worry sinking its claws into his skin. He doesn’t want Colt to die. Or to get into an accident because Jean couldn’t keep himself together. He doesn't want another death on his name, not when the bodies seem to continue stacking up. He can’t keep anyone with him. A single touch or word from his is enough to seal the deal, the curse of death placed in the eyes of those associated with Jean. He can almost see their deaths play out behind his eyelids. ‘Slow down!’ It’s desperate; he wants Colt to know this is serious and if he dies Jean doesnt think he can take it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘Okay okay okay. I'm going slow Jean. I’m going below the speed limit, I promise. No more Tokyo Drifting, huh? I thought you were all about going fast!’ Colt’s laugh grounds Jean even if he’s still worried. Colt is here with him still and he promises to be careful. He needs to trust his word._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘Yeah because I know how to drive! I’ve seen you drive. It's a near death experience every damn time!’ Jean doesn’t realize they continue this banter back and forth for a while. Not until there’s a knock on the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________‘Gonna let me in?’ Getting up and walking towards the front door shouldn’t be as nerve wracking as it is in this moment, but it is. Colt stands there with a lopsided grin and chest rising and falling steadily. The phone is still in his hand and on his ear.  
“Hey” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“...hey”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Gonna let me stroll on in?” Jean pushes himself to the side to let Colt walk through, he watches him brush past. Jean continues to stand by the door as Colt makes himself at home. “Are you doing okay?” Is he? Is Jean doing okay? He’s not sure. Jean turns around to face Colt who's already sitting on Jean’s bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“What are you doing here?” He knows why but he wants to hear it. He wants Colt to comfort him and tell him everything will be okay, even for just a little while._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Colt stares up at him, looking like he was trying to piece together a convoluted puzzle, “I don't know. You sounded like you needed someone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Before either one of them knows it, Jean is crashing into Colt, who lets out a small oomph at the impact. Jean’s lips are fighting against Colt’s in desperation, begging for him to kiss him back. Not wanting to push Jean away, Colt kisses him back. It's rough and fast and feels like it has more teeth than lips but neither one of them stops. Jean is still above Colt, having to awkwardly lean down for the best angle. He slowly pulls Colt towards him as he sits down on the bed as well. Jean needs this, god, he wants this so badly it hurts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Please. Please please please.” Jean is begging, giving Colt underlying permission._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Colt takes it, grabbing Jean’s shirt and lifting it up and off of him. He throws it somewhere, not bothering if he hits anything and knocks it down. Jean does the same for Colt, proceeding to lay down afterwards and dragging Colt with him. Colt, being slightly bigger, fits perfectly on top of him. He feels hot and can feel himself start to get hard, he can’t help but let out a moan as Colt grinds on top of him. Hands slide down his stomach, fingers looping underneath the hem of his pants, “are you sure?” They take a moment as Colt lifts up slightly and asks Jean who quickly replies, “Please- just yes. Yes, just continue.” No time transpires as Colt takes Jean’s pants off. Colt continues to grind down on Jean who’s stopped pretending to be quiet, moans filtering the air and dissipating the emptiness. Jean just wants it in already, he wants to forget and be in a moment of pure bliss instead. His hands struggle to take off Colt’s jean’s, who attempt to help as well; he’s finally able to chuck them off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It’s 1:23am when Jean’s becomes conscious again, sweat drips down his forehead. It feels like a billion degrees inside of his apartment, it doesn't help that Colt feels like a raging furnace next to him. Naked, tired, and sweaty, Jean gets up to go clean himself. He goes to the bathroom, making sure to close the door before turning on the light so as to not wake up Colt. By the time he’s done, he’s sorta wide awake. Standing halfway between the bed and bathroom, Jean stands there and closes his eyes to clear his head. He feels so fucking guilty for the situation he placed Colt in. Who’s sleeping soundly in bed and cuddling a pillow for comfort and warmth since Jean got up. _Fuck _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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________________________Armin's eyes slowly fluttered open as the bothersome light of the new morning peered through his blinds.... _Must've fallen asleep _.. he percepted as he slowly began to lift himself, his weight resting back on his elbows as all of his awareness gradually inhabited his mind once again. He sat up, throwing his legs nonchalantly over the side of the bed, feet barely grazing the cold wooden floor as the blonde lazily rubbed the sleep from his eyes. _What time did I even get home last night? _He had remembered little bits and pieces of the previous evening, but couldn't seem to correlate them all into a distinct memory. _Why? _Perhaps the anxiety he was feeling the day prior had something to do with his loss of perception...and then it hit him. The ‘delivery’ was today. Armin absolutely despised how eren had put it that way, what was the point in sugar coating it? Armin knew in his heart that it wasn't going to be that easy. It never was with The Underground. In fact, there was even an instance before where Eren had been shot whilst carrying out a “delivery.” A scar remained on the brunette's left arm as a result...a showcase of Armins obsoleteness. The event permanently saturated itself into Armins mind, constantly reminding him that in those kinds of situations, he was absolutely useless to Eren. His easily distressed conscience and reluctance to pull a trigger encumbered Eren along with the group. _“I won't let myself be a burden this time, Eren,” _he promised the empty room. Armin glanced at the large clock on his wall, the small black arrows indicated the time was 7:00. A large sigh of relief escaped his throat at the sight. along with the bloodchilling thoughts of The Underground, school was also another thing that riddled Armin with anxiety. He wished to get a decent job as a marine biologist, that way he could maybe make enough money to help Eren with his living situation._________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________But a scholarship to pursue such studies required damn near immaculate grades, this meant that Armin didn't have time to slack off, or gamble with his attendance. The blonde haired teen eventually pulled himself from the warm embrace of his bed, fuck did he wish he could just stay in it forever. Carelessly allowing himself to drift into a deep sleep, not caring about the responsibilities or expectations that awaited him in the merciless world of _reality. _His eyes slowly squinted at the irritating amount of light that glared at him, his arms tiredly reaching for the small handle that would soon obstruct the light from elucidating his room any further. He gently gripped at it before his eyes trailed to the scene outside. Rain fell from the dark, grey sky as the ground below became glossy, allowing oneself to catch sight of their reflection within the small puddles. Giving the handle a gentle tug, Armin ceased the flow of any ray of light into his now dimly lit room. Armin enjoyed the company of himself, the silence swarming in his ears put a sense of comfort inside of him. At least when he was alone, he knew he was safe. He knew this feeling wouldn't last long, he had places to be, things to do, _people to protect _. Armin threw on an outfit suitable for the cold, melancholy weather. A blue button-up shirt with blue jeans and a black belt, softly accented by a brown coat and brown shoes draped over Armin’s almost skeletal figure. He looked back into his room once more, admiring the content and tranquil presence of safety before slowly clicking the door shut. _You just need to do this one thing….for Eren. _He internally reassured before slipping into the kitchen, pulling out yet another set of pills of all kinds of different shapes and sizes. Armin quickly glanced at the small calendar that rested on his fridge, big, bold letters notified him which pills he had to provide his grandfather with._______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________He made the man a somewhat good breakfast, eggs and toast with jam. The small cup of pills rested next to the glass of water he had fixed for the man. Armin's visits to his grandfather's room were always painful. It was so dark and warm. Not a inviting kind of warm, more like a warm that painlessly ate at your skin, reminding you that this person's clock is ticking. Armin refused to let the doctors tell him that his grandfather was _dying. He just needs a little extra help, and that's okay.. _Is what armin would tell himself, blocking out any thought or idea that he was about to lose the most important man in his life. Armin's grandfather taught him everything. How to write in cursive, how to tie a bowtie, how to tie his shoes, how to multiply and divide...even how to read. Armin had gotten his most distinct trait from his grandfather, his love for literature. The two would talk about books and sea life for hours upon hours....that is until one day he had gotten sick. It felt as though a bullet had pierced his heart the first time his grandfather had asked him, “Who are you?” _Alzheimers _.....a cruel disease. It robbed Armin's grandfather of his memories, and for armin...his best friend. Now this stranger laid in the bed before him, _“He’ll remember me soon,” _Armin reassured as he grasped the backpack on the hook next to his door, leaving his apartment._______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
